Your Daily Mobile Porn Source

What influence does romantic porn have on women? When I brought this home to watch with my girlfriend, all she said was, “My ring finger is tingling.”

An Eternal Love

Studio: New Sensations Romance
Director: Amy Shayne & Lee Roy Myers
Cast: Tori Black, Lexi Belle, Jasmine Delaton, Johnny Castle, Rocco Reed, Danny Mountain

If you watch hardcore porn on a regular basis, “An Eternal Love” might seem weird to you. You might ask questions like, “Why is Tori Black so emotional?” or “Where is that Spanish guitar music coming from?” If something seems off, it is because you are witnessing porn for couples.

So I thought it would be appropriate to watch “An Eternal Love” with my girlfriend and gauge her reactions. Maybe, I thought at the time, it would “spark passion,” “heat up life,” “penetrate her soul” or some of the other stuff it says on the back of the box.

The movie follows Emily (Tori Black), who is haunted by the horny spirit of her dead husband (Rocco Reed), and her efforts to move on with her life. For some reason, Rocco only visits her when she’s lying around in lingerie or taking a long bath (can’t blame him). Emily friends, Sasha (Lexi Belle) and Bobby (Johnny Castle), introduce her to Tom (Danny Mountain), a quiet, British gentleman with all the right moves. Emily is smitten, but her dead husband’s ghost throws her wedding ring in the pool (what?) and she has second thoughts about Tom.

My girlfriend’s first response was, “Oh, this sounds like a Harlequin romance novel.” Did we mention that Emily writes romance novels?

“That must be what makes this a lady porn,” she said. Here are some other things that make this stand out as porn aimed at women: a soundtrack made of Enya/soulful guitar music, ample cunnilingus, all the females have fancy and/or ruffled panties, and no one seems to think Emily is crazy for seeing her dead husband everywhere.

“This is like The O.C.,” the girlfriend continued. “There’s a giant house, bad acting, and inexplicable and unnecessary plot twists.”

Maybe “An Eternal Love” doesn’t appeal to women (or at least this one woman), but I still enjoyed it. None of the plot twists, dead guys, or emotions got in the way of quality fucking. At times, it even made it better.

In one scene, Johnny accidentally walks in on Lexi in the shower, gets horribly embarrassed, and then stands there confessing his undying respect and secret love. Then, of course, they fuck. It’s great! Lexi is always a playful and enthusiastic fuck, and her dick sucking is so triumphant it seems to say, “Yes! I’ve always loved you too!”

We don’t have to laud Tori Black’s beauty or skill, but we will anyway. Somehow she was able to convey sadness and longing when having sex with Rocco, and later she acted like a totally different person in her cathartic scene with Danny. It was like ballet.

So maybe it’s not the best thing to bring home to the Missus, but it’s damn good for when the Missus isn’t home.

· Buy “An Eternal Love”
· New Sensations (newsensations.com)

Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”
Buy “An Eternal Love”

Looking for a gift for the consummate Gianna Michaels fan? Sure, you've got literally hundreds of movies you could choose—but why not pick the one that offers multiple discs of POV, interactive Gianna goodness?

My Plaything V 2.0: Gianna

Studio: Digital Sin
Director: Eddie Powell
Cast: Gianna Michaels

“My Plaything: Gianna” is a three disc set, though only the first two discs are exclusively interactive porn. Disc 1 offers the “good girl” Gianna experience, while Disc 2 gives us a crack at her “bad girl” side. For those wondering, the main differences between “good” and “bad” Gianna are this: while “good” Gianna is found lounging about in natural, every day environments (the bathtub, the bed, etc.) wearing pretty, every day lingerie; “bad” Gianna is more likely to be found in an office or other naughty environment, dressed in latex, a nurse’s outfit, or other naughty gear. “Bad” Gianna’s dirty talk is also…dirtier.

On the whole, we preferred "good" Gianna, if only because her dialogue was a little less cheesy—but, of course, it's all a matter of personal preference.

Aside from the stylistic differences, the discs are largely the same. The main menu offers the following options: tease, masturbate, foreplay, and sex; each of which results in a few suboptions (are you going to tease her, or will she tease you? Would you like that sex missionary, doggy, cowgirl, or reverse cowgirl?). Once you've made up your mind, you're treated to a 2 minute(ish) clip, which loops until you switch to something else—or, if you're so inclined, hit the "cum now" button (in masturbate and foreplay modes, this triggers Gianna's orgasm; in sex mode, it sets the cum shot clip into motion).

As things go, it’s a pretty wonderful way to pretend you’re having sex with Gianna.

But wait, there's more! The third disc in the set features extras—and oh, what extras they are. In addition to the usual suspects like BTS and a photo gallery, Disc 3 offers three outtake clips ("good" and "bad" titfucking clips and Gianna on a Sybian. Why Gianna getting titfucked wasn't good enough to make the feature, we'll never know—but we are pleased that we weren't forced to go without.), and a nifty little game called "You Choose," which allows you to pick an outfit, toy, and body part for Gianna, and watch her play with herself.

And, on top of all that, there are 5 bonus Gianna scenes lifted from other movies.

It’s enough to make one’s head (or other body part) explode.

Our one disappointment with this release: despite promises that we can pick “any hole,” there is absolutely no anal involved. Sure, it’s not necessary….but it definitely would have been nice.

· Buy “My Plaything V 2.0: Gianna”
· New Sensations (newsensations.com)

Sometimes you need to copulate to survive, you know? You Know?? In “Vampire Sex Diaries” (actually shot over Halloween!), Vanessa (Tabitha Stevens) presides over a similarly tasty brood of her own kind who “feel mankind’s cobweb approaching.”

Vampire Sex Diaries

Studio: Sex Line Sinema
Director: Gary Orona
Starring: Tabitha Stevens, Cheyne Collins, Jay Lassiter, Jenna Presley, Sophia Santi, Ally Kay, Ashlyn Rae

Review by: Gram Ponante

This is because they live in what appears to be Palmdale, CA, a high desert community with an even higher foreclosure rate, ripe for speculation.

This movie is an excellent couples’ film, well-shot, acted, directed, and written. Events move slowly enough, and the concepts are big enough, so that our expectations skip along hand in hand with our suspension of disbelief, and the pretty people now and then surprise us by what they say or do. Furthermore, “VSD” exploits the strengths of the cast and the story and avoids weaknesses that most couples’ films just can’t stay away from.

Brad and Amber (Cheyne Collins and Ally Kay) are the kind of mortal couple who fight despite the fact that their lease on attractiveness, the vampires know, is all too short. They are lost in the desert as Brad looks for bat colonies. Highlighting their incompatibility, Amber studies a new map while Brad studies an old one.

“You should have studied geography instead of biology,” says Amber. Zing!

Now, if I were a vampire, I would use this weakness to draw them into my own web of immortal/immoral flesh-cravings.

Which is just what happens. A mysterious note draws them to the desolate town of Midland, whose museum is staffed by hot brunettes. One (Ashlyn Rae) takes Amber on a tour while Vanessa, all cleavage and legs, discusses with Brad the absence of bat references from the journal of noted chiropterologist Miguel Coronado. She arranges a tour of the bat caves with her minion, Jay Lassiter.

This is an example of where we forgive the film on the goodwill generated by the fact that everything looks so good. If the exquisite Tabitha Stevens (or the ingenue Ashlyn Rae) were my docent, I would be incapable of asking if I had strayed into a Skinemax flick with “Bordello” in the title. We also wonder what kind of vampire queen sends her employees out in the daylight.

No matter. Amid the stark and artfully After-Effected desert photography, Vaneesa gives us more vampire philosophy.

“Vampires are openly sexual,” she writes, as opposed to Man, whose guilt about his innate sexuality drives him to violence.

Brad wanders, dreamlike, into a little orgy with the delicious Jenna Presley and Sophia Santi, and we realize that what the vampire flock really needs is a blonde.

Thus, Amber is made one of the chosen (vampire, not Jewish) by Lassiter, and this somehow enrages Giros, the ancient and Quaker-hatted vampire who created the brood way back in the post-Civil War era. Vanessa, meanwhile, has fallen for Brad, and convinces Giros, who en-vampired her on her wedding day, for God’s sake, to allow immortal and mortal to couple one last time because, she tells her maker, “those feelings will give your endless days meaning.”

You don’t hear people bust that sort of science in porn movies. In fact, I encourage you to justify adultery to your spouse or partner this way. “Honey, I fucked her so that it would give you something to think about if you got bored.”

“Vampire Sex Diaries,” like last year’s “The Sex Files,” Ernest Greene’s “O” movies and, to a different degree, the “Pirates” franchise, make porn safe for couples without asking them to turn off their brains or pull up their pants.

· Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
· Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)

Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)
Sex Line Sinema (sexlinesinema.com)
Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” (tlavideo.com)

“Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” is a much better franchise reboot than the Norton/Connelly “The Incredible Hulk” (if we could only get a porn version of “The Hot Spot“)… Read on to see how Palin gets downright surreal with a sandwich.

Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin

Studio: Hustler
Director: Axel Braun
Starring: Lisa Ann, Tori Black, Sindee Jennings, Nicole Ray, Alan Stafford, Otto Bauer, Anthony Rosano, Sean Michaels

Review by: Gram Ponante

When last we heard from Lisa Ann-as-Sarah Palin (Jesus, was it three days ago?), she was either in the Levi Johnson gay porn parody, an Eminem video, or the “You’re Nailin’ Palin” interactive title. Now, however, the actual Sarah Palin’s TV deal comes just in time for “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin,” one more reason to believe the rumor that Lisa Ann and Scott Brown are free to be running mates in 2012.

Our story begins as Sarah Palin is still Governor of Alaska. She gets a call from her Hollywood agent that she’s up for a part and needs to head to L.A. At the casting agent’s office, she meets Tina Fey (Sindee Jennings) and, after some tart, girlish banter, they get right to it.

As a scholar and historian, I find it particularly compelling that Jennings played “young Serra” back in 2008 for the first outing in this franchise, back when Hustler was a little antsy and covered its butt by (initially) calling the movie “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?”

Director Braun has matured this series. Unlike the original quickie outings, “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” has a little more production value in it, including a “Mary Tyler Moore Show” takeoff theme song that features live shots of Lisa Ann working the Hollywood Walk of Fame and posing by the Hollywood sign. There are even crane and dolly shots!

Not only that, but the real Palin’s bland ambition leaves ample room for various well-executed Hollywood jokes, like “CSI: Wasilla,” “Alaska’s Next Top Governor” (Otto Bauer plays David Hasselhoff), and a talk show/fuck fest with Cris Angel (played by Alan Stafford).

Most porn movies, shot quickly on a low budget, don’t have much time for cleverness. You can actually see the performers’ heads exploding when they encounter lines.

But “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” is different. Roger Krypton’s script is genuinely funny and, perhaps because the idea is a known quantity in Porn Valley, the cast pulls it off. It also helps that Lisa Ann is playing a morbidly stupid character and can get away with Coakley-ing a line here and there.

It is in the final scene, with veteran (and black!) porn dude Sean Michaels playing an alternate version of Sarah Palin, holding a sausage sandwich that “symbolizes my struggle in a man’s world,” that “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” becomes a Golden Age-era freakshow. It’s very silly and, what’s more important, Lisa Ann’s machine-crafted and well-oiled pornoparts have never looked better.

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)

Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” (gamelink.com)

Adult Star: Ashlyn Rae
Video: Big Cock Teen Addiction

Cute nineteen year old brunette pornstar Ashlyn Rae gets stuffed by Billy Glide’s huge dick in these movies from Big Cock Teen Addiction. Petite brunette Ashlyn has been working her way up the big dicks the past year and wants to try her first really big cock. She drops by the studio and the director gives her a nice interview and talks about her obsession with big dicks before Billy gets there. She’s looking incredibally cute and he doesn’t waste any time getting her perky tits out and getting his tongue into her shaved pussy. She can’t believe the size of his huge dick when she gets it out and it barely fits in her mouth when she gives him an eager blowjob. Watch Ashlyn get her tight nineteen year old pussy hammered by Billy’s big cock in these video clips.

Adult Star: Ashlyn Rae
Video: Big Cock Teen Addiction

Cute nineteen year old brunette pornstar Ashlyn Rae gets stuffed by Billy Glide’s huge dick in these movies from Big Cock Teen Addiction. Petite brunette Ashlyn has been working her way up the big dicks the past year and wants to try her first really big cock. She drops by the studio and the director gives her a nice interview and talks about her obsession with big dicks before Billy gets there. She’s looking incredibally cute and he doesn’t waste any time getting her perky tits out and getting his tongue into her shaved pussy. She can’t believe the size of his huge dick when she gets it out and it barely fits in her mouth when she gives him an eager blowjob. Watch Ashlyn get her tight nineteen year old pussy hammered by Billy’s big cock in these video clips.

Alexis Ford's Adam & Eve debut, "American Made: Alexis Ford," has Alexis starring as a head mechanic whose team has been hired to do some work on Tommy Gunn's fleet of expensive cars…but (naturally) spend their time fucking instead.

American Made: Alexis Ford

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Jim Malibu
Cast: Alexis Ford, Nicole Ray, Justine Joli, Danni Cole, Isis Taylor, Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone, Kris Slater

We can’t say much about Alexis’s work on cars, but if you’re looking for a team of horny girls to service your wife, your best friend, your employee, and you (twice!)…then you’ve come to the right place.

The plot of this film is not much to speak of—more a series of car-themed innuendos than a storyline—but, given the quality of the acting, it's probably for the best that Jim Malibu chose to dispense with an elaborate set up and simply cut to the sex. Especially since the sex itself is quite good…assuming you enjoy (or can ignore) repeated puns about revving engines, detailwork, and why men are like cars.

The release gets off to a roaring start with Nicole Ray—apparently jealous of the attention Tommy Gunn is paying to Alexis Ford's ass—promising to rev Tommy's "big engine" (and then proceeding to suck and fuck him on the stairs right in front of his mansion's front door).

Meanwhile, Alexis Ford is lost in the mansion, searching for Tommy’s wife Justine Joli, who’s none too happy about the time and focus Tommy’s cars are taking away from their mutual funds. So naturally, Justine and Alexis fuck. Luckily, they’re both handy enough performers (and beautiful enough girls) that we’re easily able to forget the silly conceit that led to their affair.

Taking a break from the grueling work of auto detailing, Danni Cole sneaks off to the backyard to have some quality time with her vibrator—only to be discovered by (who else?) Evan Stone in a thong speedo. If it were anyone else, we'd have to criticize the supposedly sexy choice of bathing suit—but come on, this is Evan Stone. He can wear what he wants.

Also taking a break from work: Isis Taylor, who sneaks off with Kris Slater (seriously, it's kind of a miracle these girls get anything done at all). Isis and Kris finish off their whirlwind fuck session with a delicious tit fuck—and, by our count, incorporate the fewest auto puns into the mix, making this one of our favorite scenes.

Capping off the action is Alexis Ford's scene with Tommy Gunn—and, we might add, the budding starlet's first ever boy-girl scene. Alexis handily handles Tommy; we're fairly certain this is but the beginning of a bright career for her. And we're certainly looking forward to seeing her blossom into a full-fledged star.

As the end credits roll, the female members of the cast remind us that, while most products aren’t manufactured in America anymore, their nubile assets are 100% American made. At least that’s one thing that we, as a country, can be proud of.

· Buy “American Made: Alexis Ford” (adameve.com)

It’s meta-spoofs like this that keep Leslie Nielsen alive and well.

Bree’s Big Screw Review

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: DCypher
Cast: Bree Olson, Faye Reagan, Shawna Lenee, Jewel Styles, Madison Scott, Marco Banderas, Tommy Gunn, Dane Cross, Evan Stone

I don't know who this DCypher guy is, but he certainly knows what he's doing. "Bree's Big Review" is a spoof-spoof (that is, a parody of parody porn), so the campy gets turned up to 11 while Bree and her co-host, Faye Reagan, review such titles as "E.T.: The Extra Testicle," "Hairy Pussy & the Sorcerer's Bone," "Spiderpussy," and "A Cock In Lips Now". Even before the main event begins, we're treated to a spoof trailer in the style of "Die Hard" featuring Angie Savage and veteran director Jim Enright. It’s pretty much all he promised in his sneak peek.

Despite all the corny porn jokes, “Bree’s Big Screw Review” delivers a myriad of minute, precise jabs at mainstream and adult films-and they’re actually funny. For example, in the “E.T.” double-parody, Shawna Lenee gets ditched by her boyfriend, and is consoled by Marco, the tri-testicled alien hiding in a pile of her stuffed animals. The pre- and post-coital banter is awkwardly rich: Marco moans “Bone home!” while Shawna thickly lays down the border hopping immigrant/visitor from outer space duality. The tone is best summed up as “Haha! Marco is a Mexican!” and while this may not be funny on its own (Marco is actually Uruguayan), it’s hilarious in the context of parody porn’s habits. We all remember how “Flight Attendants” pushed the “Haha! Misty Stone is a sassy Black woman!” jokes.

The movie isn’t just about industry commentary; it does generate its own unique yuks. “A Cock In Lips Now” stands out for Bree’s dead-on Martin Sheen impression (if Martin Sheen were a squeak toy) as well as Tommy Gunn’s intensity in the role of Colonel Dick Hurtz. I was especially moved by the way Tommy somberly whipped out his cock while Taps played. “Harry Pussy” was also a personal favorite, not because of any intellectually stimulating aspect, but because there’s nothing better than seeing Dane Cross in a young wizard’s outfit saying “Erectus Penisus Nowicus!”

Is “Bree’s Big Screw Review” more humorous than it is arousing? It’s hard to say. On one hand, the cast is phenomenally talented, and watching people like Evan Stone and Faye Reagan get their (respective) fuck on is never boring. On the other hand, the fucking doesn’t seem that inspired. With the notable exception of Faye and Bree’s cathartic tongue battle at the end of the show, the actors seem to be plowing through each other with little excitement.

By no means is “Bree’s Big Screw Review” a lethargic climb. The performers look like they’re having fun, and it’s hard not to have fun watching them. Nepotism aside, this movie is most certainly worth checking out. It’ll get that parody taste out of your mouth, and you might even start touching yourself in the process! And now that I’ve written this review of a review of spoofs of spoofs, the universe can go ahead and collapse.

· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)

· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)

What’s better than being lovingly titfucked? Being lovingly titfucked…in slow motion.

While we aren’t super stoked about the Liza Minnelli haircut this lady is sporting, it’s a minor concern. Rarely do we see titfucking so easily done, so accessible to the eye, or so chin soaking. Sure, the director gets a little overzealous with the slowmo at times, but we really can’t blame him; he’s just trying to savor every last moment.

· titty fucking Magdalena (xtube.com)

Seriously, even if this had hardcore action, it wouldn’t make up for the blandly vile things that go on in this film.

Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park

Studio: Beatrice Film
Director: Rino Di Silvestro
Cast: Ann Giesel Glass, Sebastiano Somma, Antonio Serrano, Donatella Damiani, Karen Schubert

The basic plot of “Hanna D” is simple: Hanna is a precocious young woman who spends her time undressing in private train cabins to support her love of cramming drugs in her nose. She’s torn between her boyfriend (Axel) and her boyfriend/pimp/pusher/guy who makes her act in porn we never get to see (Miguel) whose idea of talking dirty during sex is “I own you.” However will she choose?

According to the back of the box, this movie is one of the many European imitations of “Christiane F: Wir Kinder vom Banhoff Zoo,” the story of a 14 year-old girl who falls into a world of drugs and prostitution. The main difference between the two films is that “Christiane F” has a 100% David Bowie soundtrack and cameo; “Hanna D” does not.

Ann Gisel Glass (that is, Hanna) is fun to watch; she’ll be strung out one minute and adorable the next. Imagine if William S. Burroughs were a young, petite girl with great fashion sense and even greater nipples. Sadly, the first third of the movie features the most nudity, and the most graphic act is nipple sucking. Not that we don’t like softcore porn, but really, this is less than softcore.

If you’re looking for something to jack off to, even something remotely arousing, this is not the right choice. It often seems there’s more fighting than fucking. Also: lots of running in heels. And as many times as you get to watch Hanna get undressed, masturbate, and get felt-up, there are at least twice the amount of scrawny, grey, pant-less junkies and burly Dutch guys beating up women.

Unfortunately, we were hoping it’d be “so bad it’s good,” but it’s not even that. Thanks to the awkward dubbing and complete lack of segues, you can’t tell what’s going on half the time. Sure, it starts out pretty tantalizing with Hanna’s coquettish charms and her mother’s boobs drunkenly flopping everywhere, but it’s mostly grotesque and depressing and if you like watching girls shoot heroin through their eyelids then shame on you.

· Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)

Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)
Buy “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park” (severin-films.com)

« Previous entries